I have had several e-mails in the last few weeks letting me know that various children have had a rough patch the previous evening.  Yes, fifth grade is the year it starts IF your child isn’t super precocious.

So what’s going on?  The limbic system, which regulates the emotions, is currently in a period of  rapid growth.  That system may be pretty much developed as early as age 12. So your child is currently in an emotional surge, or will be  soon.  Also, growth hormones, while not the “hormones” we blame everything on, do increase as your child enters into their rapid growth years. They do have some relation to emotions, and growing rapidly drains physical energy.  No one is at their best when they are tired.

The prefrontal cortex, in contrast, may not develop completely in some people until almost thirty.  The prefrontal cortex deals with reason, logic and thinking things through in advance.  These two aspects of brain development explain a lot, don’t they?

As I mentioned in my last blog, fifth graders are usually starting to realize that at some point in the future, they are going to have to be responsible people, people who take action.  This is one aspect of the “conscience.” A voice is beginning to appear in their thoughts, and it reminds them of what they “should” be doing. The interesting thing is that at first the internal voice sounds exactly like their parents and sometimes, their teacher.  So they think we are demanding things that they are, in fact, beginning to demand of themselves.  And as we all know, there is a huge gap between knowing you should do something and doing it well and on time, even if your prefrontal cortex is fully developed.

Fifth graders are just beginning to understand a more consistent workload, and the pacing that that requires. To do well over time, you have to put forth consistent effort.  But if you really give 110% each day, you won’t last long.  They are just learning what the necessary effort level is, and that means not doing enough, feeling the pain, over doing and wearing out, over and over until you have the level that works for you.  And of course, the success level is different for each person.  Adding to that, almost everyone is now aware of, and at least a little worried about, their relative weaknesses. The things you are good at feel easy to you, so you are not really aware of them as strengths. Fifth graders really are expending effort to figure out what to work at, how hard and for how long.

One huge contributor to meltdowns is fatigue.  Your child may be growing rapidly, and trying to figure out their schoolwork and how to handle it. Fifth grade social life is also very wearing.  This is a very sweet group, so this is a lot smaller problem here that at many other schools.  But, you have to be cool.  You can’t fall apart at school, you “have” to look like you are in control. At the same time your limbic system is taking off like kudzu.  Being upset, but acting calm, is a monster energy drain. Everyone will have “shiny eyes” at a minimum at school this year.  By the way, crying in fifth grade is completely normal and I am fine with it.  But they aren’t.  A ten or eleven year old is only going to be able to hold that in for so long, and then someone is going to hear about it.  You are their safe people.  The fact that they can act fine at school, or deal with a friendship situation while at least pretending to be laid back is a sign of tremendous intellectual and emotional growth.

So meltdowns are almost guaranteed. They are a good sign that your child loves you and trusts you completely.  How do you deal with them?  The first stage is warm and supportive mumbling.  Hmmm, oh, and then…… Often, people  can talk themselves through something if they have time and a safe space with someone who loves them.  Cars are super great for this, as are walks, because your child doesn’t have to look you in the eye. Often, they aren’t even completely aware of why they are upset.  A chance to spill it all out can help them sort it out; just maybe figure out isn’t the end of the world after all. In cases where more is needed, reflecting back what they said can help them focus.   The next step is acting as a consultant.  Would they like you to help them make a plan? Stop by the library and pick up more books?  E-mail/talk to the teacher? Help them develop talking points for a conversation they would prefer to have themselves? The key here is that they are the driver and you are the helper.  They are practicing solving their own problems with a support system.  Also, if you can start this pattern while the problems are comparatively small, you are more likely to stay in the loop when problems become bigger.

The bad news is that this is going to be one of the periods when you see your child’s hardest moments.  The good news is, with their developing ability to control themselves, you will get more and more feedback about how mature, kind, charming, etc. your child is. And they are!  You  loving parents are going to get “dump calls” until they get married, at least.  They talk to you, they feel much better, you absorb the worry.  So start practicing supportive mumbling now.

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